“Frustrate Your Children” John Rosemond
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Chapter Review “The Fruits of Frustration”
Ever since the middle of the 20th century experts have been suggesting that frustration is bad for kids. But in The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children
- Frustration is a normal and accepted reality of adult life.
- Frustration forces the growth of qualities such as resourcefulness.
- Frustration is managed best by perseverance, the most appealing, endearing and inspiring element of every success story.
Because frustration is the gateway, not the barrier, to these great qualities and cannot be avoided anyway, John says
Parents are “obligated” to frustrate their children.
And that frustration is best provoked through the use of what he calls “vitamin N,” the “no” word!
A good definition of frustration might be:
Wanting things you cannot easily or readily obtain, things that require patience to reach and knowledge you don’t already have. It is frustrating to wait for something you would like to have now. It is also frustrating to work toward a goal but finding yourself moving in a completely different direction or making progress so slowly it feels like you are going nowhere. But this is common to us all.
To illustrate his point, John encourages adults to unabashedly write out a list of everything they would like to have or experience in the next five years, leaving nothing out. Not just things you can afford or have the ability to obtain but things that appeal to your fancy whether you could afford them or not, qualified or not.
Reflecting on the list afterwards reveals that only 10 to 20 percent would be realistically reachable, unless a participant doesn’t want much.
That, however, is exactly how children make their list of “wants” but in their case 75% of the list is probably going to be realized due to the generosity of parents, grandparents, other extended family members and friends.
The point? A child’s desire is not frustrated often and that leaves them very unprepared for real life as adults. Read more
“Roots of Responsibility” by John Rosemond
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Chapter Review – “Roots of Responsibility”
In The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children
But before we get into the meat of this chapter the following ideas define the character of a responsible person.
A responsible person:
- Doesn’t allow feelings to control their actions.
They do what they should do even when they don’t feel like it, at least most of the time.
- Can be trusted to make only the commitments they can reliably fulfill and to keep those commitments once made.
In the words of Jesus, “let your yes’s be yes and your no’s be no.” (Matt. 5:37)
Children need to understand that a commitment is not really made until it is kept.
- Understands that the reward of responsible living is counterbalanced by consequence.
“Material reward” is not the only motivation. “Consequence” is a second and equally important issue.
There is no guarantee you will always be rewarded appropriately for being responsible but it is absolutely certain you will suffer consequences if you aren’t. And we all occasionally suffer the consequences of our failures to perform.
A person who isn’t sensitized to both the positives and negatives – rewards and consequences – doesn’t really understand what it means to accept responsibility.
Allowing children to face the consequences of their actions, instead of insulating them, conditions them to be reliable rather than flippant. They learn to derive pleasure from a job well done, as much by avoiding the consequence as they do from receiving the reward.
- Is pragmatic. They are focused on the result and don’t get hung up on methods.
Notable achievements are often accomplished through collaboration but it is rare that each participant agrees on how things should be done. There are many acceptable ways to accomplish the same task. One method may be better than another but as long as the goal is reached and nothing immoral is done, fine.
A responsible person is willing to hear other ideas and is more attached to the outcome than the methods used to reach it. We call that working smart and not just hard.
- Is reliable and supportive.
Reliable in the sense that whatever part they play in the overall scheme of things they personally own and diligently execute.
You don’t have to tell them to do something or constantly remind them to do it. They embrace their chores and once there chores are done, they will gladly assist others.
Children must learn to find things to do without being told.
Chores
John suggests that one of the best ways to mold children into responsible individuals is to give them age appropriate chores and he suggests five practical outcomes to prove his point: Read more
Parental “Voice of Authority” – John Rosemond
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Chapter Review – “Voice of Authority”
Concerning authority John Rosemond takes a very balanced and practical approach to a sticky topic, obedience, and he says plainly:
“Be not deceived children show respect for parents by obeying them. Parents show respect for children by expecting them to obey.”
The object of parental authority, of course, is not to take control of a child’s life. The eventual aim is to enable him or her to live independently of ours but they will develop the skill to do that only if parents gently but firmly limit their choices long enough for them to develop a sense and taste for good habits.
But, you must remember that, first and foremost, children are human beings and humans are by nature:
- Rebellious and
- Flawed
The Bible actually teaches that all of us have a “sin” nature.
“All have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23
Not some of us. Not the worst of us and not just those who reach a certain age.
Even our children, as precious, sweet and cute as they are, have a sin nature so when it comes to authority they will resist. Some quietly, some loudly but all definitely.
Probably one of the most common ways they resist is by asking “why” when we make rules or give instruction.
Disclaimer: Asking “why” isn’t always motivated by rebellion. It is natural for children to want to learn and they certainly have a lot to learn but it would be presumptuous to assume that every “why” expresses only a sincere desire to learn the subtleties of life.
John says he has a two part rule governing how he responds to “why” questions:
One: Until a child is mature enough to understand a certain explanation, no amount of words will successfully convey that understanding.
In that case, it is in the child’s best interest for the parent to say “Because I said so” or words to that same effect.
Part Two: When a child is old enough to understand the explanation, he’s old enough to figure it out on his own.”
Part two of John’s answer actually touches on a truth that is often overlooked:
Wisdom is much easier to “see” than it is to apply.
Anyone can see that a well thought-out budget is the best way to protect yourself financially but the constant stream of bankrupted lives is proof that simple wisdom is easily trumped by materialistic desires.
But, aside from that, the truth is children don’t like to obey authority and adults don’t exercise it very well because both are rebellious and flawed. One needs to be under authority and the other needs to exercise it and neither are comfortable with that.
Both tend to get a bit emotional. Children feel repressed when authority figures curb their actions. Adults waste emotional energy feeling guilty for asserting their authority. Adults know they should do something but are uncertain about what to do and feel as if they are forcing the issue in some cases.
That is one reason John says the problem with obedience has less to do with the children and more to do with parents.
Parents who don’t want their child to “feel” bad are in trouble. The “right thing” to do in any given situation is not always the thing that “feels good.”
That is why parents must learn the art of exercising authority. Obedience is to be commanded not wished for. Therefore, a good understanding of “Command Authority” is needed. Read more
“Children Need Little Attention” – John Rosemond
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Chapter Review – “The Parent-Centered Family”
Child raising is a science, an art, a project, a responsibility and a privilege.
It requires nurturing skills, intelligence, prayer, time, energy, determination, intentionality and desire.
Sounds daunting but not too worry sacrificing oneself is not required.
In fact, John Rosemond says parenting done properly is not all consuming and the process can be quite rewarding for both parent and child.
In the very first chapter of his book, The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children
…The most destructive myth ever manufactured and sold to parents…but almost universally subscribed to…children need lots of attention.
John says, “the secret to raising happy healthy children is to give more attention to the marriage than you give to the children.” He also suggests that giving your children too much attention is like over feeding them and we are just as responsible to limit the amount of attention they receive as we are to manage their intake of food. Excessive amounts of either can have disastrous effects.
These aren’t his words but he implied that giving a child too much attention turns them into self-absorbed individuals with over inflated opinions of their importance to society. They become all consuming social parasites. Everyone must constantly hear them, see them and/or entertain them.
John does say that the more attention a parent gives a child beyond what they really need, the less capacity they develop for: Read more
The New Six Point Plan For Raising Children by John Rosemond
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The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children
Although John is a qualified psychologist who specializes in working with parents, children and families, much of his insight comes from raising his own children, Eric and Amy. Though his ideas are not fashionable, they aren’t new and he argues his points powerfully and illustrates them generously with anecdotal material from his experiences as a parent and a psychologist. You won’t find a more thoughtful and clear presentation of practical ideas for raising children.
He introduces the book with strong arguments for changing the way we approach parenting and then suggests six basic ideas to relieve parenting pressure and help each of us be more effective:
- His forward Read This First argues that “the ultimate purpose of parenting is to help children out of our lives.” That idea alone is worth its weight in gold but is usually hidden behind all sorts of other sentimental child raising ideas and rarely gets a mention.
- The Parent-Centered Family in which he argues that constantly lavishing attention on our children is like giving them far too much food.
- The Voice of Authority suggests that children can and should obey their parents and he makes it clear that “asserting authority” does not qualify as “abuse.”
- The Roots of Responsibility suggests that children only learn from their failures – which are inevitable – if parents don’t protect them from the consequences.
- The Fruits of Frustration makes it clear that it is OK to say “no” to our children instead of meeting their every whim. Frustration is a normal part of every life and leads to desirable outcomes when managed well.
- Toys and Play points out that an overabundance of toys often leads to “boredom” in our young. “Play” should be the outcome of imagination. It comes from the inside and is not induced by external input.
- Television and Children argues that the amount of time a child watches TV – excessive according to surveys – is just as damaging as the themes we try to avoid.
Every chapter ends with a series of questions related to the chapter theme and answered by John. The book also has a closing and ends with Rosemond’s Bill of Rights for Children.
The book is clearly written, well argued philosophically, substantiated by science and includes plain old practical everyday wisdom which many psychologists have buried beneath new age ideas and clouded with semantics. Read more
Tim Pepper - Beautiful Frustration