Nurture Your Child’s Emotional Resilience
The following sentiment has become the mantra for all good parenting and every interested parent has made this statement, or something like it, in the process of raising their kids:
I want my children to have a better life than I had.
And one of the ways parents help their children attain a better life is to help them avoid all the mistakes they made themselves. They assume that “mistake free” is equivalent to better. On the surface it sounds smart. Inwardly it feels good.
The reality, however, is that children managed by this rule are not better off. Instead of being better at life they are emotionally inhibited, stunted, crippled or lacking sensibility. Which means guarding them against disheartening moments might do more harm than good. Like many responses to charitable needs, the protective approach to parenting is a short term, knee jerk response which creates long term damage.
We feel better after force-guiding our children around every tripping point but does this make them better at managing life or just more managed? Over-navigating a child’s life might save them from some immediate “toe stubbing” but can it encourage them to develop the watchfulness and maneuverability to avoid future crashes or manage them well if they can’t?
The truth is, the one thing children will not always have is a watchful parent warning them and steering them away from every life sapping experience. And the one lesson every child needs to learn is how to accept and manage their mistakes well.
Parents earned their wisdom through hard knocks. It made them stronger and smarter and they shouldn’t rob their children of the same opportunity. Second hand wisdom isn’t easy to swallow and every wise person knows that… Read more
“Toys And Play” by John Rosemond
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Chapter Review – “Toys And Play”
Parents have been duped into thinking that giving their children “things,” otherwise known as toys, along with little or no responsibility is the right parenting approach to take.
But in The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children
John tells the story of a set of parents who, after secretly watching their child play with a large marking pen, morphing it into a rocket ship, an alien and a ray gun in just a matter of minutes, decided to buy him a replica of a space shuttle for Christmas.
In their minds that was the perfect toy.
However, three weeks after getting this marvelous toy he was bored.
It had every bell and whistle. All the design features were visible. But it was an untouchable.
The joy of playing with it was diminished by the fear of breaking it. This toy like many others is more ornamental than practical. No functionality.
It had a very limited use and could stimulate only a very short interest span.
The only way an exact replica of a space shuttle can be anything other than an exact replica of a space shuttle is to break it. Actually, that could be said about any exact replica of anything.
And most kids are afraid to break these toys, not because they love them so much but because the parents do. These toys usually cost a bundle so any breakage draws immediate disapproval. Besides, like museum pieces, these toys are hard to embrace anyway.
For these reasons John suggests that childhood as it was intended to be has come perilously close to an end. Read more
“Roots of Responsibility” by John Rosemond
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Chapter Review – “Roots of Responsibility”
In The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children
But before we get into the meat of this chapter the following ideas define the character of a responsible person.
A responsible person:
- Doesn’t allow feelings to control their actions.
They do what they should do even when they don’t feel like it, at least most of the time.
- Can be trusted to make only the commitments they can reliably fulfill and to keep those commitments once made.
In the words of Jesus, “let your yes’s be yes and your no’s be no.” (Matt. 5:37)
Children need to understand that a commitment is not really made until it is kept.
- Understands that the reward of responsible living is counterbalanced by consequence.
“Material reward” is not the only motivation. “Consequence” is a second and equally important issue.
There is no guarantee you will always be rewarded appropriately for being responsible but it is absolutely certain you will suffer consequences if you aren’t. And we all occasionally suffer the consequences of our failures to perform.
A person who isn’t sensitized to both the positives and negatives – rewards and consequences – doesn’t really understand what it means to accept responsibility.
Allowing children to face the consequences of their actions, instead of insulating them, conditions them to be reliable rather than flippant. They learn to derive pleasure from a job well done, as much by avoiding the consequence as they do from receiving the reward.
- Is pragmatic. They are focused on the result and don’t get hung up on methods.
Notable achievements are often accomplished through collaboration but it is rare that each participant agrees on how things should be done. There are many acceptable ways to accomplish the same task. One method may be better than another but as long as the goal is reached and nothing immoral is done, fine.
A responsible person is willing to hear other ideas and is more attached to the outcome than the methods used to reach it. We call that working smart and not just hard.
- Is reliable and supportive.
Reliable in the sense that whatever part they play in the overall scheme of things they personally own and diligently execute.
You don’t have to tell them to do something or constantly remind them to do it. They embrace their chores and once there chores are done, they will gladly assist others.
Children must learn to find things to do without being told.
Chores
John suggests that one of the best ways to mold children into responsible individuals is to give them age appropriate chores and he suggests five practical outcomes to prove his point: Read more
Parental “Voice of Authority” – John Rosemond
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Chapter Review – “Voice of Authority”
Concerning authority John Rosemond takes a very balanced and practical approach to a sticky topic, obedience, and he says plainly:
“Be not deceived children show respect for parents by obeying them. Parents show respect for children by expecting them to obey.”
The object of parental authority, of course, is not to take control of a child’s life. The eventual aim is to enable him or her to live independently of ours but they will develop the skill to do that only if parents gently but firmly limit their choices long enough for them to develop a sense and taste for good habits.
But, you must remember that, first and foremost, children are human beings and humans are by nature:
- Rebellious and
- Flawed
The Bible actually teaches that all of us have a “sin” nature.
“All have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23
Not some of us. Not the worst of us and not just those who reach a certain age.
Even our children, as precious, sweet and cute as they are, have a sin nature so when it comes to authority they will resist. Some quietly, some loudly but all definitely.
Probably one of the most common ways they resist is by asking “why” when we make rules or give instruction.
Disclaimer: Asking “why” isn’t always motivated by rebellion. It is natural for children to want to learn and they certainly have a lot to learn but it would be presumptuous to assume that every “why” expresses only a sincere desire to learn the subtleties of life.
John says he has a two part rule governing how he responds to “why” questions:
One: Until a child is mature enough to understand a certain explanation, no amount of words will successfully convey that understanding.
In that case, it is in the child’s best interest for the parent to say “Because I said so” or words to that same effect.
Part Two: When a child is old enough to understand the explanation, he’s old enough to figure it out on his own.”
Part two of John’s answer actually touches on a truth that is often overlooked:
Wisdom is much easier to “see” than it is to apply.
Anyone can see that a well thought-out budget is the best way to protect yourself financially but the constant stream of bankrupted lives is proof that simple wisdom is easily trumped by materialistic desires.
But, aside from that, the truth is children don’t like to obey authority and adults don’t exercise it very well because both are rebellious and flawed. One needs to be under authority and the other needs to exercise it and neither are comfortable with that.
Both tend to get a bit emotional. Children feel repressed when authority figures curb their actions. Adults waste emotional energy feeling guilty for asserting their authority. Adults know they should do something but are uncertain about what to do and feel as if they are forcing the issue in some cases.
That is one reason John says the problem with obedience has less to do with the children and more to do with parents.
Parents who don’t want their child to “feel” bad are in trouble. The “right thing” to do in any given situation is not always the thing that “feels good.”
That is why parents must learn the art of exercising authority. Obedience is to be commanded not wished for. Therefore, a good understanding of “Command Authority” is needed. Read more
“Children Need Little Attention” – John Rosemond
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Chapter Review – “The Parent-Centered Family”
Child raising is a science, an art, a project, a responsibility and a privilege.
It requires nurturing skills, intelligence, prayer, time, energy, determination, intentionality and desire.
Sounds daunting but not too worry sacrificing oneself is not required.
In fact, John Rosemond says parenting done properly is not all consuming and the process can be quite rewarding for both parent and child.
In the very first chapter of his book, The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children
…The most destructive myth ever manufactured and sold to parents…but almost universally subscribed to…children need lots of attention.
John says, “the secret to raising happy healthy children is to give more attention to the marriage than you give to the children.” He also suggests that giving your children too much attention is like over feeding them and we are just as responsible to limit the amount of attention they receive as we are to manage their intake of food. Excessive amounts of either can have disastrous effects.
These aren’t his words but he implied that giving a child too much attention turns them into self-absorbed individuals with over inflated opinions of their importance to society. They become all consuming social parasites. Everyone must constantly hear them, see them and/or entertain them.
John does say that the more attention a parent gives a child beyond what they really need, the less capacity they develop for: Read more
Tim Pepper - Beautiful Frustration