Family Archives - NowTHINK!AboutIt

Marriage And Change Are Synonymous

December 22, 2017 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Refusing To Change
Stunts One’s Growth

I’m married. I like being married! It’s great and I wouldn’t change a thing.

My wife is a beautiful person, an incredible woman, a wonderful partner, and a great friend – as in best. I am grateful every day that she accepted my proposal and loves me still.

I actually joke that God partially blinded her for life on the day I proposed.

But I think we are lucky. Not every marriage is happy. Marital experience can range anywhere from bliss to dysphoria. In extreme cases it’s dangerous.

That’s a strange thing to say. You don’t associate danger with something God intended to make us secure but we all know it’s true. Something as potentially wholesome as marriage can become a war zone.

The real question has to do with change, though. People change people. It’s a fact. There’s is no such thing as a neutral relationship. Every person within emotional/intellectual/cultural range exerts influence.

And that applies to all people, not just family: neighbors, schoolmates, friends (close and not so close), teachers, employers, fellow employees, colleagues and more.

Accents illustrate the point. Everyone has an accent but no one has any recollection of trying to form one. It just happens. We become like the people around us.

We don’t even know where accents come from but accents are evidence that each one of us is influenced by the people around us whether we want that or not. This truth has both positive and negative effects.

One bully can bruise your psyche for life, the negative. One good teacher can unleash your possibilities, the positive.

But what about marriage? Is any relationship closer? Should we be surprised that marriage changes us in the deepest and most profound ways? Hopefully in good ways but, good or bad, marriage changes you. You must expect it and be open for it to happen. It works best when we approach it with the right attitude. [Read more…] about Marriage And Change Are Synonymous

What I’m Thankful For

November 23, 2017 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Who Believes In You

Today is Thanksgiving and, obviously, it is the day to be thankful. But rather than be thankful generally speaking, I decided to mention specifics so this is a list of things for which I’m thankful. The list isn’t exhaustive. I only mention a few things but there’s one item, in particular, I consider most important. Here goes:

I’m thankful my blessings far outweigh my problems

I can easily count my problems. My blessings, however, are numberless.

I’m thankful there is a day to focus on the blessings instead of the problems

Most days, problems loom. We can feel surrounded. It’s only natural. Thanksgiving changes the focus. Helps us put things into perspective.

Remember, the more you talk about or think about or focus on a problem, the bigger it gets especially if you don’t solve it. That may be why the Bible tells us to think on virtuous and praiseworthy things rather than the other stuff.

I’m thankful there is a day that reminds us to refocus.

I’m thankful that some people love to cook

T-day is loaded with great food: turkey, ham, beans, sweet potato souffle, pecan pie and more but if it was up to me, the entire meal would be store bought. Other than eggs or oatmeal, I don’t cook. Never had the desire and, honestly, I wouldn’t be upset if the people who do the cooking took the day off.

But, fortunately, some people actually enjoy cooking. It relaxes them. It’s a gift and I’m thankful for every mouth full.

I’m thankful for family

This is the important one.

Everyone assumes they know what family is, but I’m not so sure. The word “Family” evokes both good and bad feelings. One person hates his or her parents. Another can’t imagine life without them. One person is absorbed in their married partner. Another seems indifferent.

The legal definition, of course, is exactly the same for everyone but family is more than just a legal relationship. Attitude is far more significant than benefaction.

You’re my child. I am legally responsible for your needs. I’ll look bad if I don’t meet them.

That captures the legal aspect of family. It doesn’t define family the way it is meant to be.

There’s a better way.

Family is any person with whom you have a connection if the well being of that person is something for which you have a genuine interest, blood relation or not, and the attitude goes both ways.

A family member is that person who you really want to see do well. You’re excited when they excel. In fact, you expect it. You never judge their failure but you don’t accept it either. They may not share DNA with you but the connection emotionally is strong enough to overcome that.

My wife, for example, doesn’t share DNA with me but there is no person who has accepted me more than she. And vice versa. I know she is interested in my well being and wants me to do well. The feeling is mutual.

I wouldn’t say our relationship is equal. There is no such thing as an absolutely, full-on equal relationship. But if she does badly or feels badly, I hurt. Again, it’s mutual and we both know it.

This is why team members will often refer to each other as family. They aren’t biologically connected but they have no problem making sacrifices so the other person and the team as a whole can do well.

Family are the people who believe in us and we in them. I’m thankful that T-day is a time to celebrate that.

This Week In Divorce – Celebrity Breakups

September 22, 2016 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Celebrity Marriage
Is A Minefield

It isn’t uncommon for the public to think celebrities hold the highest spot on the divorce-rate list but according to a Radford University study the idea is just a myth.

The study’s findings were based on the 2000 census and isolated rates of divorce by occupation, listing 449 different jobs.

Surprisingly, dancers and choreographers were first on the list with just over 43% divorce rate. Second and third on the list were bartenders and massage therapists. Casino workers, telephone operators, nurses and home health aides were also in the top ten. Celebrities didn’t even get an honorable mention.

So why do we think they’re the worst?

Maybe we should blame the media. They give celebrities a lot of attention, especially when things like divorce are happening, and that does influence perception. Whatever the case, now that we know celebrity breakups don’t happen as frequently as we thought, we should look more closely and find out what makes these unions tick.

Let’s face it, celebrity marriages are strange and that isn’t just another overstated media induced perception. It’s also not a judgment. No condemnation intended.

There are several reasons why these unions are more like minefields than normal marriage and since common folks – the ones with normal marriages – have a difficult time getting marriage right we shouldn’t be surprised or overly critical when celebrity marriages wobble.

If we can turn off the judgment for a little while, we might learn something from their experience that can help the rest avoid marriage-divorce mishaps. We might even learn to be a bit more forgiving. [Read more…] about This Week In Divorce – Celebrity Breakups

This Week In Divorce – India Still Requires Fault

September 8, 2016 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Incompatibility
Does Not Suggest
Fault

The Hindu reported that Politician Omar Abdullah’s divorce plea from his estranged wife, Payal Abdullah, was denied in court on 30 August 2016.

The circumstances behind the plea and the courts response were interesting.

Omar’s claims paint an ugly picture:

Married 1 September 1994
Conjugal relations ceased after 2007
Lived separately since 2009
Accused wife of cruelty, desertion and unreasonable conduct

The couple has two sons living with the mother.

The judge ruled that Omar had failed to prove irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.

I’m neither a judge nor a lawyer but this ruling raises several questions about the wisdom of requiring fault in the case of divorce: [Read more…] about This Week In Divorce – India Still Requires Fault

This Week In Divorce – India’s Arranged Marriages

August 18, 2016 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Engagement And Marriage
Represent One Of The Most
Emotionally Charged Periods
In Family Life

I’m not an expert on Indian marriage but Utpal Dholakia, native to India but resident in the USA for more than twenty years, can speak with authority on the subject and has.

His recent post on Psychology Today (Why Are So Many Indian Arranged Marriages Successful? 24Nov2015) poses a very interesting question and implies, without actually saying it, that arranged marriage – the method of choice in India – may have the answer to today’s divorce dilemmas.

Although he clearly states he is NOT suggesting arranged is a better option than free-choice, it is definitely implied. The spirit of the article seems to contradict his disclaimer.

It’s an interesting theory, but I’m not convinced. His arguments start out weakly and get worse.

Before I say more, please understand that I am not talking about Indians in general. I’m not even bashing India. As Utpal points out, India is modernizing at an incredible rate on many levels and that is to be applauded.

I’m also not poking at Utpal, although his article did provoke this response.

I’m questioning the wisdom of endorsing an approach to love and marriage that has a long history of abuse and control. I think we should modernize the perspective a bit.

So, to my response. [Read more…] about This Week In Divorce – India’s Arranged Marriages