Parenting Archives - NowTHINK!AboutIt

Living Is Counseling

January 1, 2019 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

You Can Be Neutral
Only If You Declare Your Neutrality

In most cases, counseling is something that happens only when necessary and is usually arranged by special appointment. People who require counseling for non-medical reasons are dealing with problems stemming from past experiences and those problems are effecting the quality of life in the present.

That’s the short explanation, what we’ve been led to think, but it raises an important question. How do people avoid problems in the first place?

The counseling process is complicated. In fact, it’s mysterious because humans are complex and experiences, both good and bad, add to that complexity. We’re not as normal as we like to think, or even worse, maybe we are.

The most popular version of counseling is after-the-fact crisis management. It’s the solution we turn to not because we have a problem but because the problem, undetected heretofore, has been around long enough for us to reach overload. It’s entrenched and won’t be easily dislodged. Counseling, where we hope to find the answer, is more like a slow and tedious untangling process than a quick fix. There’s no pill for this.

The process includes a bit of self-discovery, others discovery, and experience analysis. These three elements are the basic influences in every person’s life. They teach us how to think and act.

But what I just described is only one type of counseling. The people who provide it are professionals and it only takes place after the fact. It’s corrective, not prophylactic.

The Bigger Picture

But what about the rest of life? How do people learn to believe in themselves or not? Why do some people develop a fear of water? When do people become afraid of crowds? What influences these outcomes?

Nature plays a part but only a small part. The website, Very Well Mind, provides a short list of 98 phobias. It’s only a partial list but it’s long enough to show there aren’t enough natures to go around. The bigger causes must be found elsewhere.

Medical News Today says,

It is unusual for a phobia to start after the age of 30 years, and most begin during early childhood, the teenage years or early adulthood.

They can be caused by a stressful experience, a frightening event or a parent or household member with a phobia that a child can learn.

And there you have it. It’s more about timing than nature. All the input is external and happens in the most formative years. Nature is not the culprit. Phobias are nurtured.

Both good and bad qualities, strengths and weaknesses, are being shaped by people and experiences.

Counseling Happens Everyday

Counseling happens 24/7 in everyday life. Living is counseling. If you’re alive, you’re counseling and being counseled.

There may very well be times when a special problem arises that requires professional attention, but at all other times, I am counseling others by the way I live. The way I manage money, time, relationships counsels others in how to manage these things too.

Everything I do, everything I say and every attitude I entertain sends a message to those around me. I am counseling everyone around me, and everyone around me is counseling me.

It isn’t intentional, but it is real.

The more influence one has, the more their counsel takes hold.

What About Moral Issues

We like to think we can live our own lives completely to ourselves and separate from everyone else without interfering, intruding or asserting influence. Not so! [Read more…] about Living Is Counseling

7 Reasons Your Thoughts Matter

August 1, 2016 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Change Your Mind
Change Your Life

Success is something everyone wants, but what is that? It can mean many different things.

Success is defined as the accomplishment of one’s goals and it applies broadly to any person and any kind of goal, from virtuous to diabolical.

We also define specific areas of success in different ways. Financial success for one person may mean having enough wealth to sustain a certain level of status. Another may feel successful just to be quietly secure.

Success has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself and your situation.

But however you define success, some tools are exactly the same for those who achieve it, and one of the most important tools is your mindset. Your mental outlook. How and what you think.

In short, how you see yourself and the world around you matters.

Mindset Is Not A Personality Trait

You’re not a victim! Mindset has little to do with personality traits. Quiet people don’t need to become flamboyant fountains of effervescence to be successful.

Positive can apply to both extroverts and introverts. How naturally loud or vocal a person is, is not a reflection of mindset.

There may be genetic factors involved, but all things being equal, a person’s outlook is shaped by childhood relationships and experiences. And how you think really does matter.

Humans Are Wired For Achievement

First of all a few thoughts on human achievement. We are engineered to succeed and are more than capable to do so.

Just think about how we came to be. We started as nothing more than a microscopic ball of embryonic cells enveloped in fluid. Then, over the next nine months developed into a breathing, eating, flailing, screaming – not to mention peeing and pooping – 7 pound infant.

That oft repeated cycle indicates that humans are wired for change.

Which means, of course, that whatever the ultimate purpose of any individual’s life, change is a big part of the formula.

If you’re not convinced, remember that in many cases that microscopic nothingness eventually becomes a brain surgeon or heart surgeon or astrophysicists. The one constant is that many layers of change are involved in the process.

If you’re thinking at this point that that doesn’t always happen or doesn’t happen enough, you’re right. It doesn’t. There are no guarantees. So the question is, “Why does it happen for some and not for others?”

There are many answers but one factor common to every failure or success is mindset. How a person views him or herself and the world at large. The right attitude makes good things possible.

Parents Are A Part Of The Process

Another good question to ask is “Where am I now?” Am I positive or negative? Am I making progress or falling behind? Do I generally succeed or fail?

However you answer those questions, another consideration to make is how your parents factored into the mix. A child’s mindset is often the mirror image of the parents.

Like it or not, in many ways you have your parents to thank for who you are. You may not be your parents but what you are is at least a response to them. Were they hard or considerate, mean or gracious, aggressive or patient, generous or critical?

Your answer to that question can explain a lot about who you are.

But to be clear, I’m not talking about biology. Genetics is not the issue. The primary caregivers in your life, biological or not, are role models. Their attitudes become yours. Imprinting happens automatically.

To get started, you must first determine the image your parents modelled and how it bled over into your attitudes. You will no doubt find some good things and some not-so-good things. That’s the starting place.

I’m not suggesting you judge your parents. Judgment in this case offends them and offers nothing healthy to you. Blaming is never an answer. Think like Gandhi. Be the change!

The good news is, whatever your childhood experiences, you can change in any direction. If you need to move further in the right direction, it can happen. If you need revamping, that can happen too. And the changes can happen at any stage in life.

Starting With The Negative

Unfortunately we need to start with the negative because everyone has a little bit of that in their life.

No one is perfect. Your parents aren’t perfect. Your siblings aren’t perfect. Your friends aren’t perfect. Your teachers aren’t perfect. No one is perfect.

What that means is we have all been exposed to imperfect people, and have no doubt picked up on their faults. A little self discovery will reveal the warts. The question is, “How do we change that?” What can we do to avoid further decline?

Following are a few things you may be tempted to do but don’t cave. Each one is a waste of time.

Now, the seven reasons your thoughts matter.

Or don’t waste time: [Read more…] about 7 Reasons Your Thoughts Matter

The Most Important Factor In Fatherhood

June 23, 2016 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Be There

Fathers.Com lists several statistical observations about children living in fatherless homes:

Fatherless children are more likely to live in poverty, at greater risk for alcohol and drug abuse, more than twice as likely to commit suicide, experience more trouble academically, are more inclined to exhibit delinquent behavior, and tend to engage sexually at a younger age.

All of the statistics are well documented. The conclusion is that Fathers do make a difference. The question is, Why? What is making the difference?

There are many possible answers to that question but one observation that is often overlooked is the fact that maybe a father makes an impact by just being present. Most books describe fathering somewhat like an Attorney General. He makes the right rules, maintains the right discipline, and models the highest standards of virtue always.

Rules, discipline and virtue are important but the stats quoted are based on homes with fathers vs homes without. Just being there is a big deal.

Although there is a lot of discussion and speculation about what good fathers do, beyond being present, it might be difficult to isolate exactly what that is.

Fathers, like any other humans, are individuals, meaning they’re diverse and have different ways of relating to family members. Their mannerisms are partly learned from previous generations and I doubt any two are exactly alike, even among those considered the best.

Let’s face it. Not all fathers are equally secure, confident, and motivated. They may or may not be educated. Some are entrepreneurs and some work-a-days but if they are present, they have an impact.

Even the fathers classed as good probably don’t know exactly what they do to make a difference but there are likely many reasons why being present is better than being absent.

A few observations are in order. [Read more…] about The Most Important Factor In Fatherhood

5 Reasons Mom Has More Appeal Than Dad

May 9, 2016 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Relationally
Moms Travel 180°

No one comes into this world without both a mother and a father, but Mom clearly has a head start in the race for relationship. Not only does she carry the biggest load, no pun intended, but in the category of supporting role, she has a clear advantage over Dad and usually receives most of the votes.

Mom’s influence is universally so pervading and wholesome we have a long list of pithy sayings expressing how generally wonderful and clever she is.

Mother knows best!
A Mother’s love never ends!
Mothers hold their child’s hand for a moment and their heart for a lifetime!

And examples of Mother’s influence abound.

Arianna Huffington named her mother as the most influential role model in her life.

Bill Gate’s philanthropy was influenced by his mother’s example and words.

Kat Cole transitioned from Babe status at Hooters to business mogul at Cinnabon because her mother said:

You can do anything and I expect you to do everything.

We can’t say enough about Mom. She is probably one of the most affectionately thought of individuals in the world, wedging Dad out by a long shot. Dad is loved also but the question remains: “Why does Mom seemingly maintain such a big lead in the race?” I came up with five quick answers. There may be more. [Read more…] about 5 Reasons Mom Has More Appeal Than Dad

Everybody Needs Love

February 15, 2016 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Love Produces Feelings
Even If It Isn’t One

Every person is born with an empty heart. It’s the place where the soul is. It can’t be measured with a ruler or inflated with gas. It’s more metaphysical than physical.

It’s like a non-material version of the stomach. The heart is to the stomach what the mind is to the brain.

A vacuum that longs for emotional nourishment, it constantly needs refilling.

What it needs most is love, and begins screaming for it soon after conception. Unfortunately, it has no choice other than to accept whatever is offered, love or not.

Saying it needs “Love” is a bit vague, though, so let’s explore the idea. [Read more…] about Everybody Needs Love

You Can Be Neutral Only If You Declare Your Neutrality