Parenting Archives - Page 6 of 8

Love Wins – Develop Character Now, Pt. 1

March 18, 2012 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

How Far One Descends
Doesn’t Matter
If Character Is The Cream
That Rises To The Top

In my last post I focused on character development in the next life, after death, and my ideas were motivated by Rob Bell’s book, Love Wins. Rob made some interesting remarks about post-death character development for both Christians and non-Christians alike. What he said doesn’t fit comfortably in most theological schemes.

Conventional wisdom says death is the point at which all winning and losing is final. It’s a finish line not a transition, meaning, of course…

The saved will be transformed into a fully complete and finished state of absolute, never changing, never ending perfection and bliss.

And the unrepentant are fixed forever in a state of never ending corruption and condemnation. There is no turning back, looking up, moving forward or thinking again. It is over, finished and done, for everyone.

Love Wins says otherwise.

But post-death issues isn’t the subject of this article. Character development is.

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Rob also emphasized the importance of building character in this life, so much so that some accuse him of teaching “salvation by works.”

Don’t believe it. The same people who twist Rob’s ideas about character, emphasize the development of character in their teachings also. The hypocrisy is, other than compiling long lists of things-not-allowed and projecting loads of shame on those who falter, they do very little to make a difference.

And, if death isn’t final and character will continue to develop in the next life then a good question to ask is, “Where will the after-life development begin?” The answer is obvious. It will start in the next life where you left off in this one. If you are 85% at death you’ll start there. If you’re only 25% you’ll start there, so the more you do now the less you will need to do later.

Rob’s ideas seem strange because popular teachings actually work against character development. Eternal security is a good example. Conservative theology teaches that salvation can’t be lost. Any character shortage at death won’t effect your eternal destiny. Your salvation is secure – eternal security. And, as I’ve already mentioned, these same schools of thought imply we will be upgraded to 100% perfection at the moment of death. If that is really true, why bother doing the hard work now?

If the good qualities I don’t develop in this life will be immediately added at death what real motivation is there to do anything other than hold on and wait?

Not too worry. I do believe in eternal security and I’m not suggesting Christians take character issues lightly but what is commonly taught doesn’t encourage follow through. It doesn’t make sense to teach “once-saved-always-saved-no-matter-what” and then suggest that whatever character is lacking will be fully added in the blink of an eye at death. Taken together, these ideas don’t motivate the kind effort required to build character in this life.

It is almost as if we are working against the very thing we want to do.

And we need character, both now and later. Every sensible person wants character, but the only ones who develop it are those who make a deliberate effort.

That’s why Rob’s ideas deserve a hearing. Post-death theologies are rather thin on character-reward issues. Ideas are generalized in the extreme and we are encouraged to have a “hold out and wait for it” mentality.

By the way, a great book on this topic is The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey. Stephen makes the argument that good habits produce good character. He’s not alone. He defers to many others who said the same thing many times before in many different ways.

So this post is focused on character. Not the character that is shaped in the next life but the character we mold now. And, no, I don’t believe character shaping saves you in the eternal sense of the word but it may save you from a lot of heart ache now and, if Rob is right, in the next life also.

There are three questions to consider: [Read more…] about Love Wins – Develop Character Now, Pt. 1

Nurture Your Child’s Emotional Resilience

August 28, 2011 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Your Tone Of Voice
Says It All

The following sentiment has become the mantra for all good parenting and every interested parent has made this statement, or something like it, in the process of raising their kids:

I want my children to have a better life than I had.

And one of the ways parents help their children attain a better life is to help them avoid all the mistakes they made themselves. They assume that “mistake free” is equivalent to better. On the surface it sounds smart. Inwardly it feels good.

The reality, however, is that children managed by this rule are not better off. Instead of being better at life they are emotionally inhibited, stunted, crippled or lacking sensibility. Which means guarding them against disheartening moments might do more harm than good. Like many responses to charitable needs, the protective approach to parenting is a short term, knee jerk response which creates long term damage.

We feel better after force-guiding our children around every tripping point but does this make them better at managing life or just more managed? Over-navigating a child’s life might save them from some immediate “toe stubbing” but can it encourage them to develop the watchfulness and maneuverability to avoid future crashes or manage them well if they can’t?

The truth is, the one thing children will not always have is a watchful parent warning them and steering them away from every life sapping experience. And the one lesson every child needs to learn is how to accept and manage their mistakes well.

Parents earned their wisdom through hard knocks. It made them stronger and smarter and they shouldn’t rob their children of the same opportunity. Second hand wisdom isn’t easy to swallow and every wise person knows that… [Read more…] about Nurture Your Child’s Emotional Resilience

Young Children And TV Don’t Mix – John Rosemond

July 19, 2011 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Chapter Review – Television, Computers and Video Games

John definitely saves the best for last in The New Six Point Plan For Raising Happy, Healthy Children.

This final chapter is mostly about TV and John forthrightly says what most people already know but are afraid to admit.

…Watching television inhibits the development of initiative, curiosity, resourcefulness, creativity, motivation, imagination, reasoning and problem-solving abilities, communication skills, social skills, fine and gross motor skills, and eye-hand coordination.

And after saying this he implies other detriments could be named also.

Not a nice picture. No pun intended.

Even though John’s advice does not run parallel with the opinions of his peers he doesn’t shy away from saying what parents need to hear. No hinting or beating around the bush. He knows and readily admits that his advice runs counter to modern ideas about raising kids but while everyone stammers he speaks out.

In spite of his academic achievements, however, what he advises, he learned and proved in the laboratory of family life as a child, a parent and a counselor.

So his advice is qualified by many levels of experience and academic studies.

In this last chapter John focuses on the problems TV causes, particularly in the life of developing preschoolers, and he draws from his own experience to make his point.

His son, Eric, was failing the third grade and as it turned out television was a major contributor to the problem.

Eric was struggling to complete in-class assignments and John and his wife, Willie, were exhausted with pushing and prodding him to finish the tasks at home. The stalemate was broken when Eric’s teacher informed them – only halfway through the year – that Eric would not be promoted to fourth grade.

Up to that point, John had faithfully applied the popular principles of psychology for raising children. Following that meeting, however, things changed.

John’s wife, Willie, had a heart-to-heart with John about changing their parenting ways. They both agreed that they hadn’t turned out badly so maybe their parents weren’t that wrong after all. Together, they devised a new approach which John describes as:

A benevolent dictatorship, the antithesis of the parenting that was popular at the time. We began telling Eric and Amy what we wanted them to do instead of asking, pleading, bargaining, bribing, reasoning, and explaining – i.e., wishing. We embraced a zero-tolerance policy concerning disobedience. If one of them disobeyed, we punished instead of talked.

And probably the most dramatic change they made was the suspension of TV viewing. They didn’t just stop watching TV, they gave theirs away.

The end result was nothing short of remarkable. In John’s words: [Read more…] about Young Children And TV Don’t Mix – John Rosemond

“Toys And Play” by John Rosemond

July 10, 2011 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Chapter Review
“Toys And Play”

Parents have been duped into thinking that giving their children “things,” otherwise known as toys, along with little or no responsibility is the right parenting approach to take.

But in The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children, John Rosemond challenges this thinking in the chapter on “Toys and Play” and what he says may surprise you.

John tells the story of a couple who, after secretly watching their child play with a large marking pen, morphing it into a rocket ship, an alien and a ray gun in just a matter of minutes, decided to buy him a replica of a space shuttle for Christmas.

In their minds that was the perfect toy.

Toys Should Stimulate

However, three weeks after getting this marvelous toy he was bored.

It had every bell and whistle. All the design features were visible but it was an untouchable. The joy of playing with it was diminished by the fear of breaking it. This toy like many others is more ornamental than practical. No functionality.

Its limited functionality meant it could command only a very short interest span.

The only way an exact replica of a space shuttle can be anything other than an exact replica of a space shuttle is to break it. That could be said about an exact replica of anything.

And most kids are afraid to break these toys, not because they love them so much but because the parents do. They cost a bundle so any breakage draws immediate disapproval. Like exhibits in a museum, they’re nice to look at but impossible to embrace.

For these reasons John suggests that childhood, as it was intended to be, has come perilously close to an end. [Read more…] about “Toys And Play” by John Rosemond

“Frustrate Your Children” John Rosemond

July 5, 2011 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Chapter Review “The Fruits of Frustration”

Ever since the middle of the 20th century experts have been suggesting that frustration is bad for kids. But in The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children Johh Rosemond correctly observes that:

Frustration is a normal and accepted reality of adult life.
Frustration forces the growth of qualities such as resourcefulness.
Frustration is managed best by perseverance, the most appealing, endearing and inspiring element of every success story.

Because frustration is the gateway, not the barrier, to these great qualities and cannot be avoided anyway, John says

Parents are “obligated” to frustrate their children.

And that frustration is best provoked through the use of what he calls “vitamin N,” the “no” word!

A good definition of frustration might be:

Wanting things you cannot easily or readily obtain, things that require patience to reach and knowledge you don’t already have. It is frustrating to wait for something you would like to have now. It is also frustrating to work toward a goal but finding yourself moving in a completely different direction or making progress so slowly it feels like you are going nowhere. But this is common to us all.

To illustrate his point, John encourages adults to unabashedly write out a list of everything they would like to have or experience in the next five years, leaving nothing out. Not just things you can afford or have the ability to obtain but things that appeal to your fancy whether you could afford them or not, qualified or not.

Reflecting on the list afterwards reveals that only 10 to 20 percent would be realistically reachable, unless a participant doesn’t want much.

That, however, is exactly how children make their list of “wants” but in their case 75% of the list is probably going to be realized due to the generosity of parents, grandparents, other extended family members and friends.

The point? A child’s desire is not frustrated often and that leaves them very unprepared for real life as adults. [Read more…] about “Frustrate Your Children” John Rosemond

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How Far One Descends Doesn’t Matter If Character Is The Cream That Rises To The Top

Your Tone Of Voice Says It All